37'o'clock on day 2784

Anyone else got a clue what day and time it is? I started out this lock down with some structure, plans, activities. Some days this is way more flexible than others. And in the past few days, any sort of structure has gone out of the window. I schedule video calls with family, I walk while it's still light, and I know food shopping has to be done before the shops close. Aside from, that, all bets are off.


So last night I didn't sleep until 6am. This isn't normal for me. I was tired, but my mind was going in circles. I was thinking of all the interactions I'd had during the day. Well overthinking is a more accurate description.


And then there's the guilt. I've always told Aaron that if there's something to be guilty about, I'll feel guilty. If there's nothing to feel guilty about, I'll still feel like I've done something wrong. So I've missed Zumba a few times. I made scones (amazing scones) and probably shouldn't have eaten those, especially if I'm not going to Zumba. And I've been drinking more than I should. I'm not walking every day. My food bill was stupidly high last week (it included water filters, toiletries and enough booze for a party). I could find something in all of these things to feel guilty about but really I shouldn't.

I hate the overthinking. I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep. I was too hot, my brain was too active, and I had nothing to get up for in the morning. Every day is merging into one.


Then on other days, I'm so productive. One day last week, I baked, cleaned the shutters, mopped the flat, did multiple loads of laundry, washed the mattress covers, washed the pillows, cleaned the window frames.


Nothing seems to be making much sense at the moment. I can't keep track of days or even the time of day. And I'm not sure I have much motivation to try.

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