Happy New Year ish

We kind of know what we are going to get in the first 6 months of 2021 now, don't we? So settle in poppets, fasten your seat belts, its gonna be a really bumpy start!

Now we've had the reality check, what next?

Deep sigh!

Personally, I'm having a few days off the socials, to ensure my other detox goes well. It's our forth night off the 'grog' tonight and I'm feeling a tad less bloated. I'd of course be feeling even better, if we hadn't made chicken and ham pie yesterday! The Gluten Free pie crust was a disaster, the taste bang on, very rich but the texture rather more like sawdust flour! In conclusion, the diet still needs work, as does the pastry but getting dry is going okay!

Small wins!

The good thing is, my mindless scrolling has stopped and the internet brain fog is clearing a little! I really must limit my time on the socials in the future and live in the real world more often eh!

I'd noted sadly, that over Christmas my time online increased by 50%! No wonder my poor hubby got fed up! In order to make haste with my online addition recovery, I temporarily took the applications off my phone. Even so, I still found myself picking up my phone to scroll! Such bad habit and so hard to break!

Eventually, I stopped but eeeeeee these bad habits are slow to die eh!

I'm taking baby steps in January, as I always do. Not promising myself too much really as I don't like to disappoint self! I'm also gathering strength to get busy at the wreck and start packing again in slow time at the end of the month.

Note to self: Must order packing boxes for the 50th time! Argggggghhhhh!

Can you believe that on the 30th of January 2020/Armageddon, we arrived fresh off the plane from Canada, nearly one whole, awful year ago!

One year, poof....gone!

Don't blink!

To be honest, even if I'd known what kinda year it would be, truth be told, I'd have still got on the plane home to France. Roots have to start somewhere right and there is never a good time to start!

2020 can be summed up as the year of waiting, waiting for this and that. The year in which staying in became the new going out! The year where we ate and drank like it was Christmas every darn day! I don't know about you but I do feel like a survivor. I bet you do too!

Then there was 'B Day'......bloody Brexit.

Bloody selfish 60 somethings that voted us out! It's okay, I forgive them for they know not what they've done! Still, its now a done deal, a weak deal, but it is a deal of sorts, a start and here we all are!

I was a little up and down over the New Year, but in the end decided to pull up my 'Quality Street' binge eating big bloomers up high and start embracing being an immigrant rather than an EXPAT. High time I suppose.

Our New Years day was rather more fractious than expected. It began well enough and we had a lovely, way too long lunch with bubble friends, but just as we were way past over staying our welcome again, the phone rang. My mother had a surprise visitor in the form of our eldest daughter who as you know, is in a care home for mental health treatment and care. It would seem that on a whim, she just packed up her belongings in bin bags, told the staff she was taking things to the charity shop and instead got into a pre booked taxi and headed to my Mum's for a never ending visit.

No going back. Or so she thought.

It was heart breaking.

Still is.

I spoke to Beth on the phone and she was clearly confused and looked rather strange. Clearly, her mental health has deteriorated during the Christmas holidays. The worst thing was, that she had thought I was there for some unknown reason and she clearly doesn't understand the COVID restrictions. These are frustrating for us but have deeply confused and angered her.

It was super fraught for my parents to get her back to the home and of course the home offered nothing in the way of assistance or protocols for dealing with this sort of thing, which was disappointing. I totally understand Beths need to reach out and see family, especially at Christmas, which of course makes it harder for her to be turned away again. I don't think us explaining that she needs treatment and full time care is something she understands and I'm pretty sure she hasn't yet had a proper assessment of needs.

For me, the guilt I carry everyday increased ten fold. It overwhelmed me again. It's such a heavy weight to carry. I have to be honest and tell you that I just don't have the answers she needs. I don't think I ever will, sadly. She absolutely 100% wants to come home and feels that we as her parents should look after her at home. No excuses. She also believes we've put her in an orphanage which is heartbreaking. She's 27 and thinks she's a little girl.

There is no way to dress this up to be a fairy tale with a happy ending is there?

What I have realised is that I'm a bit emotionally spent and finding my own mental health suffering alongside hers. I don't know when the COVID restrictions will be lifted and we can see her for real, meet with her care team and discuss a way ahead but I don't think it will be soon, do you? Anyway, we need the care home and care team to get their jobs done so we can do ours I guess. So I won't give up fighting for her rights even though most days it feels like a pointless battle. It's my job as a mum and a human being, isn't it?

My fledgling candle business in on hold for a few months, but I will absolutely be back. I'm looking forward to having a spacious workshop from which to work my candle magic!

The beat goes on.........

D x

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