We so do, with every beat of our hearts....we love you.
Today you tried really hard to contact us. Me, your sister and your brother, begging us to work another miracle.
We didn't answer this time.
It's not because we don't love you or we don't care, but we've been here a thousand times before. You are in crisis again. You've not managed your money or your medications, your relationships with the people around you and you are lashing out at anyone you can contact, again. It's a never ending story. You are a wounded soul, bless you.
We do make sure you are safe, warm and fed, always. It's as much as we can do and we know all the money in the world couldn't fix you or your situation. We learnt that the hard way.
We simply have to stay away my love, to stay safe and let the 'system' get you to where you need to be. We hope this time, they do.
You may think we don't know anything about you and even though you often block direct contact, we find a way to reach out. We are always watching you, I promise.
There isn't a day or night that I don't think about you, dream about you. From the day I held you in my arms seconds after you arrived into this world, till this very day. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Only another mother can understand my pain, for we are forever connected and always will be.
It's not your fault your mind has wandered to a place we cannot reach you. It's not our fault that we don't have a magic wand, with which to stop your confusion and pain. I wish we did. I'd cut my right arm off, if it would make you, you again. I miss you. Where did you go? Why?
Your early years were full of promise. You danced, you drew and created. You were simply one of the most beautiful young women I have ever seen. My features, dads colouring.................! Simply lovely, but already beyond quirky in your thoughts and ways. Something wasn't quite right, but we couldn't quite work it out? I wish we had known then. I have so many regrets. We all do.
You struggled with social anxiety and read people and their actions wrongly. I realise now, your world has always been a scary one? You must have suffered so much, not really understanding life or people in the way we do. I wish I could magic you back to 2 years old and hide you beneath my skirts again. I wish I could save you my darling, I really do but you are always falling and I can't quite catch you. I don't seem to be able to save you. Please try and save yourself.....please don't give in or up.
You've always cried a lot, shouted and have been angry at me, Dad and the world. We get it now. You had so much noise in your head, it must have been hard to work out what was real and what was not?
You've fought your medications and we understand this, believe it or not. Medication for your issues hasn't moved on much in the last 40 years or more. Those tablets cut out the noise but they make you dull, lifeless and steal what it left of your creativity. It's so hard to watch you slowly loose the will to live, to be happy and to fight back.
I need to you to fight the fog love. Fight hard. Ask and accept help. Be honest about where you are and where you want to be. I know it seems like we are all abandoning you? Believe me it's not a choice I, your father or siblings wanted to make. We honestly believe we have no choice in the matter now. You need a bit of tough love, I hope you will forgive us one day?
The world is such a cruel place, generally, I know, but for you, more so. The services that are meant to take care of you and protect you, are constantly letting you down. You are able to fox them just enough here and there and play hide and seek, but I think this time they see you. At least I hope they do?
No one is questioning your intelligence dear girl. I know somewhere inside of you, you are simply brilliant. Severe mental health problems are often linked to poor education or intelligence. I beg to differ, definitely not in your case.
You really could have been someone rather special, if it weren't for that pesky chemical imbalance. It ruined everything for you and for us.
A rotten piece of luck?
I just don't know.
I do know that only you can swim for shore and find a way to live beside 'IT'. I hope you do?
They say, when a woman gives birth to a daughter, she has a friend for life. How betrayed we both feel eh?. How sad and hurt you and I feel for many different reasons. I feel I have lost my first baby girl and in turn, you can't understand why the one woman you are supposed to rely on, simply isn't there? I can't be there my sweet, because you can't trust yourself not to lash out at me. Thats the only thing keeping us apart. I give you my word.
I remember the day of your diagnosis, the one we pushed so hard for. You were catatonic, completely traumatised after 5 whole weeks at University and nearly 'sectioned' for the very first time, but in the end you went willingly. You were 20 years old and we had battled for your metal health for four years none stop already. Things were never the same again.
That label you hated so much? We honestly felt it was the beginning of better things for you, but the diagnosis wasn't the beginning, it was the beginning of the end. It just gave you a label you didn't want or need. One you still cannot live with.
It didn't fix anything. It broke everything.
I'm so sorry. I really am. If I could turn back time, I would. I'd erase every bad thing that ever happened to you and I'd never ever let you walk out of the door, ever.
It's okay not to fit the mould love. It's okay to be as you are Boo. You are you. Still, you need to find some peace in your life and find a happy safe place to just be. You need to turn the world off for a while and the stress of it all. You are too fragile for this world, it's true. I just hope there is a solution for you to remain alive and be protected from the community, the community the government rules say you should have 'the right' to live in.
They are fools.
They left you high and dry with nowhere to feel safe.
Please don't let this illness take you from us forever, I beg, of you. Dig deep. Find a way back to us soon?
Beth, please understand that I'm not with you today physically, but I am always walking beside you in spirit, willing you to turn the corner and find the right path for you.
Love always and forever.......