Updated: Jan 10, 2020
I used to truly believe my job was three fold, wife, mother and foodie. It was a busy full life and not without it's problems but many joys in-between.
I've loved being a mother, mostly. Feeding my family was very much part of that and when they come home, still is.
Being a wife has been such an adventure. Again, not without its complications. None the less it has never ever been boring. I promise you.
I'm now an empty nester. My husbands career gets on my last nerve. I make no bones about it! He knows.
All the moving has just become too much! I have supported and pushed him to where he is now but I do feel it's a one way street. Too dead end for me and I'm not getting any younger.
I really want to be more engaging, interesting even and definitely earn my own way. I feel like I know way more than I should about his career, to the point I could possibly pretend to be him!
Food is still a passion but not necessary now a late in life diagnosis of Celiacs disease kinda finished me off for a while!
One day, recently, I woke up and smelt a new start. No, that's a lie. I felt like screaming. I felt trapped again and felt the need to leave. Just leave.
I didn't, of course.
One of the things stopping me going home, was finding a decent rental in France that didn't tie me in for 3 years.
On the day I decided to do it all differently, a friend offered me a life line. A little cottage in Normandy.
The possibility to do it all differently and to grab a bit of me back! Oh yes please!
The only thing stopping me was me!
Not this time.
Then I remembered, that a good friend of mine, had offered me a job several times over the years and I decided to ask her if it was still a possibility?
The answer was very much yes and the stars aligned further with the chap in my area retiring!
I have a job!
A job and a temporary home.
It's a risk of course. I had two really rubbish rentals in Normandy previously. The first house was chocolate box pretty but had a heating and plumbing system from hell. The second was just bonkers. No words can describe it really. Suffice to say I'm a trusting soul!
Try, try and try again.
Lately, I have found myself constantly waiting to live, to shine, to actually control my own life and no I'm not getting a divorce. I'm simply extracting myself from the bits I don't like very much, starting with stopping the constant moving and getting back to France.
One year in Canada didn't seem so bad at the time, but I can't say I've enjoyed it very much. I sort of just stopped living again. These moves are all about my husband and nothing about me and as much as I love him, I won't agree to give up my life for his anymore. He's had 3 decades. I don't owe him anything. I totally owe myself a shot at it, that thing called life, don't I?
Yes, we have to find a new way to work, live and love together to keep going forward happily.
I gave up my Civil Service career way back in 2001 to look after my new baby and other children and 20 odd years later, I'm still waiting to begin again. To be brutally honest, I was only ever in the Civil Service to make 'working' fit with his Forces career.
I truly feel that I have given 150% to my marriage and family and zero to me. Yes! I found a way to keep busy online. I wrote to keep my self semi sane but now what?
I really don't have any regrets but I don't want to continue in the same vain.
The need for deep roots, real connections, to build a life I love and I am proud of, is spurring me on in 2020. Not least the French Wreck is sat there waiting and has been for too long. If I don't get busy with it, who will?
I also built UnFrench, a community I am very proud of and all of these things are pulling my back to where I belong.
So I decided to make the move back by myself. Get a job and downsize to elfin proportions. No point spending silly money on a huge, long term rental when I have a renovation to fund, eh!
Total life overhaul.
Him in doors isn't particularly happy. He feels I'm cutting off his right arm but it will do him good. It will do us both good. I get it. We are a team and I hope sincerely he works his way back to me but for now this has to happen. Life is too short to live someone else version of a life.
I will also be able to see my family and friends more often and this has always been very important to me. My parents and brother are also very important to me. I don't know if they know this?
I've gone too long without digging in deep and living a worth while life. The life I wanted is quite simple really, not fancy but does involve real people, not just online ones. I'm with Sheryl on this. We really must stop living in a virtual bubble, reach out and meet up. We make so many decisions based on text these days its not surprising we often get it wrong. We need to see faces, look into eyes, feel warmth and hear laughter.
Real life is more interesting than online life I feel. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people make judgements about people from online contact only. Meet up, look these people in the eyes. Engage!
I know we all need the online communities but it's to aid real connections! Get out there and play!
Friendships are very important of course and we need to make time to build them, keep them. I'm so looking forward to being surrounded by strong, loyal, clever women. I have missed that so much lately.
I'm not at all scared. Quite the opposite. I know my worth in 2020. I know what I have to do and why.
I have gifts. I must use them.
Age is a wonderful leveller isn't it? I've heard people say that they love being in their 50's and I get it now!
Nothing to prove, everything to gain and bonus no chance of pregnancy!
My way ahead is clear. I know the pit falls very well by now. I know how to avoid them too. I don't feel at all guilty abut grabbing a little back for myself, I've earned it, so have you.
I've often been heard to tell someone 'you aren't stuck to the ground, you are not a bloody tree' ...MOVE....and yet, that is exactly what I did, time and time again. Move. No roots. No connections.
In life we need both roots and adventure!
I felt I had little choice but in life but to follow my man but I have to make my own luck!
So I'm making it and taking all the opportunities offered but most of all, best of all I'm making France home.
Here's me dancing into 2020 doing it my way! I hope you do too!