Self Sabotage



I have to be honest I'm a little ashamed of myself today. No! Scratch that, I'm livid!


My name is Donna and I am a Celiac.


My name is Donna and I ate a fully 'glutenised' baguette and rhubarb tart yesterday.


WHY?


I'm sure a psychiatrist could give me an acceptable answer of sorts, but in the end I did it because I wanted too.


I also wanted to feel normal in regards to eating out and about. I've found the journey and the late in life diagnosis difficult to swallow. I'm a foodie! My life revolved around food and feeding people. Now this part of me is confused and my relationship with food is super 'complicated'.


I'm not out for sympathy, I mean, there are so many more people on this earth worse off than me, for sure. I just did the usual post moving thing and ate my feelings.


Of course it dangerous and I feel physically rotten today and I've no one to blame but myself. Was it good? Oh god yes! Everything I remembered and more to be quite honest. Not being able to turn my head or shoulders is not groovy and my head is pounding. I feel like a water balloon this morning and rather sorry for myself.


I think it started on Friday, having breakfast and then nothing till gone 7pm, I was starving. It's pretty tough to eat safely and quickly on the go, so I resorted to a packet of cooked turkey. Eaten in five seconds, two seconds after getting home.


Just a filler to keep me from feinting, then not wanting to cook I popped a potato in the oven. I ate very late and had severe stomach ache. My mind then said to me 'well Donna, you always have stomach ache so why bother cutting Gluten out?'.


I passed the bakery three times that day, which is very conveniently just a few paces away from this house. Of course I can smell the fresh bread baking. I can see it, feel it and taste it without stepping a foot inside. It plays with my food soul!


Having been gently glutenised several times since arriving and often fighting to get my needs across in restaurants, I re convinced myself I needed to just go with the flow again. The bread literally called to me!


I kinda knew it would be a bigger issue here in France than in Canada or UK. Dear France is terribly behind in many things. This we understand but coping with dietary issues during lunch set menu service, is just not going to be a thing in rural Normandy, is it? It's a tradition of you eat what you are served and are grateful. I am grateful but it's not possible for me to eat like the average French person sadly.


I'm finding eating here extremely boring which is so at odds to what is on offer and would upset lovers of French gastronomy.


No lovely I do not want supermarket gluten free grey bread which is inedible! I'd rather eat the carpet or go without!


French life is very much based on carbs. All those wondrous cakes, breads and pastries. I really fear being invited to a French do and offending. I just know it's going to happen.


I'm a good home cook and I find I rarely ever used flour to thicken a sauce, never did but here it's in everything! Even terrines and pates have it in. Flour is used in various spices too. It used in things you just wouldn't think it would/should be. I am a veritable flour detective!


Wheat flour is cheap and bulks food out. Gee thanks life!


The only way for me to stay safe, is cook and bake myself, in my own home from scratch and stop moaning about it. I know it.


I have given myself time out on the naughty step and a demerit on my star chart. I'd promise never to slip again but I am so very flawed and human.


D x









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